1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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