someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
