Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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