Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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