Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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