well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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