I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
