Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
