I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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