So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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