The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
