god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
