I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
