So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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