i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
