Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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