I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Actions speak louder than pants.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
