i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
