Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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