News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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