i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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