the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
