Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
