and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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