shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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