so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
