i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
