I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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