did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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