He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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