"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
