this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
