Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
