Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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