Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
