I haven't been this sober since birth.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
