just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
