I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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