so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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