I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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