woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
His nipple licking is glorious
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