I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
