seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
