My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
