just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
