finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
