I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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