Welp...herpes.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
