WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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