I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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