ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dignity is for republicans.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
